A cool kid tumbles.

Part I.

First, I’d like to apologize if I may have offended someone. I’m going to blog this because this is how I feel and I write what I feel and if you don’t like that then hit the [x] buton and get out of my page.

Second, sorry for the harsh words that I may use or the terms that are too provocative for some readers, Im not saying I’m totally unconscious using them but I’m more of just out of control when they come out.

Lastly, I am a person of dignity. Apart from the social-complex-vigorous-demanding life I live exists simplicity. It’s the one attribute I’d like to pursue although my alter egos continuously stretch to lengths creating the contrary. I learned to accept that complexity is a characteristic that binds my esteem, therefore construct my entity.  The roller-coaster of my life has brought numerous commotions into my mind, body, and spirit that I have yet to define. I’m the kind of person who lives by the day without letting a single sound of the wind go unnoticed. Never once have I possessed any form of antagonism for the struggles that has been placed before my toes.  I take my struggles as fortunate for self discovery merely to test individual strength.

Sometimes, no matter how many times I try to endure the hurt, some lingering pain just won’t go away. There are people who find fascination in hurting me. It satisfies them. Do more of what makes you happy. It applies. I’ve always known that there’ll be people who will hate you, rate you, shake you, break you, how strong you stand is what it makes you. But sometimes, being vital is elicited with all the dragging down and twist and turns of this chaotic world. My strength is only from above, not from anyone else. Not even to the people I trust.  There was somebody out there for me to look and say “you know what, maybe it’s about time you do something about it. You’re not this person, you usually fight back, but now you’re letting all this happen to you because you’re protecting someone who can’t even protect you.”  It crushed my heart so bad and I broke down and I felt like dying and breaking into little pieces.  It is unhealthy.

It could’ve been easier if that insecurity’s done in a much accepted way. Like hurting me with stones or whatever thing that would surely break my bones because words like those leave psychological wounds that would never ever heal.

 

I don’t know and I don’t care what you tell everyone what I’ve done to you, don’t forget to tell them what you’ve done to me. Just because I’m used to it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore. Its very unfortunate when things triggered unresolved issues. I told myself I forgive you but people get involved. People I don’t even know. Bitch please; the world doesn’t revolve round you. Don’t make it look like I’m making a scene and you’re innocent. Just because I believed one of those things doesn’t mean it’s the truth. I KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS and I care. I just wanted to see things more before I actually do something about it. It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. No matter how light you think it is, it’s still a lie. Shielding what’s the truth. Everyday is a struggle. Whatever you told I was is the stupidest thing I’ve heard by far and it has been straight up retarded.  I’m tired of you judging me to people I don’t even know. Mentioning things I don’t even do. I’m sick of you.

Lesson: I think you can’t wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. I think this time I have to save myself because I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

MY LNG WKND.

There are just some things I’m thankful for this week.

1.      Nick. He never left me even when he has to go to some place real far; he made me feel his presence.

·        For helping me prepare for the damn open house, and

·        For taking good care of me when I was almost losing it.

·        For bringing me to the doctor who gave me three freakin’ needles to test my bravery, who asked me to stay in the white walls til I’m good to go, *ugh I hate hospitals,

·        For monitoring my medications,

·        For spending too much time, money, effort and

·        For the unconditional love. I am blessed.

2.      Listening to Vice Ganda via YouTube with no efforts in making me laugh, she’s really funny.

3. Travelling with the SNM boys and Kristia on a Stormy Saturday and finding a mini-swamp that reminded me of our years in Manila plus swimming to that iced-cold pool and choco-like beach is way freakin epic.

4. Having had one of the best weeks of the season. Felt great, had more energy and pain in general was so very low, it seemed unreal.
5. The time I spent on the back porch having coffee (and a nice cup of tea once *And never again because of my odd diagnosis), reading, listening to music, playing, and watching Kiel chase bugs.

6. The moon before dawn on clear skies, and the few autumn-ish cool and foggy that turned into warm, sunny days. The retarded weather in the Philippines

7. The return of the dreaded work week tomorrow, Wednesday after Holidays of the National Heroes Day plus Ramadan and ever so wondering when to have a long weekend again which is next to impossible but the Christmas vacation we’ll surely cover and have these things happen again on a regular weekend. Thank You, Lord. You are amazing.