UNTITLED
Things are gone tacit but its fine. It wouldn’t matter anyway. We are blessed with preferences and we just got to pick what seems to be the best. In my case, it’s not actually the thing that makes me happy. It’s just what’s best for me—valuing the people who love you for you while they are there. I fall short on that because I was too busy being selfish, not thinking about the people who are disposed to go through hell for me while I was frequently struggling to coerce the same for somebody.
Those two lines the other night seemed to set me off and brought me to my sanity. In a snap, it changed everything, how things happened, why they happened, and how I feel. I woke up crying my final tear, *not really* grasping what its worth and finally letting it fly. I’ll stick to what I said before. I’ve no qualms, its a magical thing.
I’m learning to live without it now but I miss it sometimes. I know. It’s easy to yield to overwhelming uncertainties inside when you know you have loved someone so deeply. The more I know, the more I understand. It has given me the pluck to be all that I can and I’m thankful with the bits and pieces of learning it has brought my way. It wasn’t a mistake. It’s meant to happen.
I may not be there, but I will all the more willing to be when he needs somebody whenever, wherever. I think I’ll always be that one person who will truly understand and listen whatever it is, whatever it takes even if we don’t talk, hear from each other in days, weeks, months even years, it doesn’t matter. I only make few promises, and that’s one of them.
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again. I’ve been trying’ to get down to the kindness of the matter, but my will gets frail and my thoughts seem to take flight. But I think it’s about forgiveness, understanding, and acceptance even if there ain’t no love anymore.
They say it’s a lot easier with HATE. Yes, it’s true, and I feel that too. But the thing is, HATE is one of the few attributes I fail to attempt to track. My heart could not accommodate it. Not now, not ever.
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