Jillian is deaf. :/
Most people go through life dreading they’ll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They’ve already passed their test in life. They’re aristocrats. I am one of them.
Today, something pulled me back about half a decade ago. The shock of any trauma, I think changes your life. It’s more acute in the beginning and after a little time you settle back to what you were. However it leaves an indelible mark on your psyche.
I had Nick upset. I felt bad because I couldn’t comprehend immediately o the situation. I want him to forgive me when he sees me draw back when I would have gladly mingled with him. My trauma is doubly painful to me because I am bound to be misunderstood; for me there can be no relaxation with my thoughts flashing back when that guy with no particular setting and consciousness of such behaviour grabbed my arm, no refined conversations, no mutual exchange of ideas, I know he didn’t mean it.
Watching Nick help children with hearing disabilities give me hope each time I listen to him do whatever magical therapy he does to have the child respond. Children who hear acquire language without any particular effort; the words that fall from others’ lips they catch on the wing, as it were, delightedly, while the little deaf child must trap them by a slow and often painful process. But whatever the process, the result is wonderful. Gradually from naming an object we advance step by step until we have traversed the vast distance between our first stammered syllable and the sweep of thought in a line of Shakespeare.
My heart began to pound when I realized I’m hearing nothing but silence. I felt my ears bleeding from the inside. I tried reading Nick’s lips to conceal my lack of comprehension and to respond to him, as normal as possible. I cried the moment I saw him struggle with each line and it made me finally admit the truth, I no longer hear anything, as if the trauma took an unwanted u-turn back to me. Blindness separates us from things but deafness separates us from people. I’m afraid I won’t be able to hear the words “I love you” anymore. But clear enough in no time, I heard myself shut. I breathe from the mouth and revived myself with two faces in front of me. God allows me to experience the low points of life in order to teach me lessons I could not learn in any other way. The way I learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.
Today I learned the value of sound. So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it. I may not understand what Nick was trying to say, but I felt his heart and I knew exactly what he meant. He cared for me like nobody else does.
I’ve never felt so thankful in my life ever since he came along. God knows exactly what’s best for me. I may not always hear things perfectly, but I have a heart that feels and whatever it’s bound, his voice will always be my favourite sound.
